Ladies and Gentlemen we would like to finally welcome you to the gates of Hell, Unfortunately Hell is a towing gate……..”
Columbus, Ohio. I sat on a very cold curb in the hotel shuttle loading zone trying to see if I could find some art in the salt stains left on the concrete from the last winter snow. The year is off to a great start, Im alone in the middle of winter at night in a mostly empty airport waiting. Two company planes had landed within 20 minutes of each other. My crew in a complete haste and classless move ran out and took the van leaving behind the other crew, and one of their own. Fine by me, that’s just the kind of luck I was finding as of late. The capitol of Ohio had been a source of drama, trauma, and heartache in my life before. There’s nothing wrong with Ohio, (Bowling for Soup said so) and while C-bus was an otherwise nice town, for me on this day it was rock bottom, the final destination in my own personal hell.
Don’t be fooled by the images seen in Sunday school of a little red man with a pitchfork surrounded by flames, no hell is in Ohio, its bone chillingly cold, there’s no beer and that 70’s hit One is the loneliest number plays constantly. I’m also not surprised to see an airport in hell, nor does it shock me that dairy air serves it and I’m the lucky fella whom gets the honor of laying over here. Don’t get me wrong I have been worse places, I’ve been homeless, houseless, penniless, useless and all at the same time before. I’ve even been to Lawton Oklahoma. But today on the concrete waiting on my ride in the Buckeye state was the lowest point in my life.
2009 nine had brought all the blessings to me that a hurricane brings on the Gulf. Really the last decade had been a very turbulent. Flying is a tight rope act. Our lives are consumed with routines, of training, empty hotel rooms, grateful and ungrateful passengers whom are largely unaware of the people whom hold their lives in hand. Did you know we let Steelers fans, democrats, and even cross dressers fly planes? Its true! One slip, one malfunction, a moment of complacency, even a small miscommunication could alter the lives of 50 seemly innocent passengers.
In many ways life and love isn’t much different. I had become complacent in life taking things for granted. Soon I was in a tailspin that couldn’t be recovered. In real life emergencies you operate on a subconscious level. Your body responds as it was trained for weeks to do, it performs the drills and the procedures as though it was as second nature as breathing. But the mind goes into another place all together.
Flight 3418
In route to Springfield Misery (you be the judge of whether or not I misspelled Missouri) everything seemed normal, we boarded, took off, I served drinks like I had done 100 times before, and a hundred times before the story wouldn’t have entertained a catatonic. But on this flight the story would take a twist. We immediately started a deep decent, and the interphones chimed to the sound of the cockpit calling. Because flying is so routine, a split second of difference is noticed. In that split second I came to the realization something wasn’t right and if we saw the ground again in one piece it wouldn’t be the same.
“Hello” I answered bracing for the news
In a broken and hurried voice “yeah Grant, we got an emergency up here, we lost hydraulic pressure in system one, and system two is slowly dropping pressure, you better prepare for emergency, Hold evacuation, it shouldn’t be necessary, but be ready if we do”
“Ok” I say and immediately pull out the bible. No not the one with commandments, the red book we are given in training that have all the answers you could ever want about life as a flight attendant, how do I serve a sprite and give CPR while reading connecting gates and complimenting the captain on his great landing, its in there.
As I make my way through the checklist my mind is on anything but the situation at hand. My entire life began to flash before my eyes, things I had done, things I hadn’t done, regrets and wishes, happy memories and childhood dreams all seemed to pass in the seconds that came. And in the 10 minutes we spent before touching down safely was a lifetime. The incident was no miracle on the Hudson, and Brad Pitt won’t be playing Grant Ryan in the movie, but none the less it was a brush with death, a window into another world I wasn’t yet ready for. A trauma as large as an plane crash changes the lives of those involved drastically and irreversibly. You can’t go back to the world as you once knew it. Flight 3418 had landed safely without a scratch on any of our heads, but I didn’t land so safely.
By 2010 I was picking through the wreckage of my life. Not much was left, I didn’t really recognize anything that identified the person I once knew as Grant Ryan. I felt numb, wondered if I was even alive at one point. I stared at that wreck, really searching hard for anything that shed light on what happened, or a sense of purpose. Last March had saw the death of my Grandfather. Many people have entire families, they get together on thanksgiving, show up at graduations, offer support and shoulders to cry on, etc. They get into squabbles and take vacations, and share the burden of life with one another.
I didn’t have a family like that Divorce was somewhat of a curse in my family. Both my parents had been divorced twice, both of theirs married three times, my younger brother was on his third marriage and I had just finalized my first divorce in the fall of 2008. All the fights, tears, animosity, divorce court had left us all drained and drifted apart. The remnants of our family looked much like the epicenter of an earthquake everything around it leveled for miles and all signs of life moved far from the site of the big bang. What I did have was my Grandfather, he was the one family member always there for me, and always in my corner. His death wasn’t a surprise, he’s hardly the first 89 year old to die, but I wasn’t prepared for it. In a split second I knew my life was different, and that life would be much lonelier for me. I didn’t get to say good bye, he wouldn’t allow visitors, I didn’t even tell him I loved him the last time we did speak. Family is like money, its most important to those whom don’t have it. The Tailspin had just begun, this little moment in life was just the first sign of trouble, what followed next was pure chaos.
Thanksgiving 2009
Flight 67 is a Boeing 777 from Chicago to Dallas. Its my preferred flight because well, its a new big plane complete with tv’s and what commuting flight attendants covet the most …..crew bunks. Rather than sitting in a cold hard jump seat to get home you get to sleep in a cushioned bunk in absolute peace and quiet secluded from crying babies, business men, overstuffed luggage and drink carts. Today I need this room and seclusion. I was flying home to Dallas for the holidays where my girlfriend was hosting her family at our place. It would be cause for celebration in most peoples lives, but not mine not today. I sat with my sprained ankle propped up on as many dirty blankets as we had, glad no one could see I was crying my eyes out.
A mere week earlier I had gotten our apartment ready for this week. Allie was scheduled to have back surgery in a week and she wanted to have one great holiday alone with her family before she had to be bed ridden for a few months. Being the sweet loving boyfriend I was, I cleaned the apartment from floor to ceiling, bought books from her favorite author, a slanket from skymall, cooked her dinner every night, and picked up overtime so I would leave the apartment to her for the holidays, solidifying myself in the boyfriend hall of fame. As she drove me to the airport early in the morning for my trip she broke the sleepy silence with the words “I hate you” Sure couples say these things during fights, or tense moments and no one ever means it when its said in anger. But this wasn’t in anger, this was out of the blue in the calm which I would soon learn was just an eye in the middle of our hurricane
I sat in my own car with my bag in hand dumbfounded, not really able to say anything. As we neared the airport all I can think of is that I didn’t want a middle seat and why don’t we carry Mt dew anymore, I could really use a Mt Dew, never mind I haven’t drank soda in almost 3 years. I didn’t however react to her statement, I ignored it. I didn’t even say good bye, didn’t watch her leave nothing, just went straight to security. By the time I landed I had three emails apologizing I ignored them too. The whole world moves by you in minutes at Ohare I wasn’t aware of anything, I felt completely out of my body, I allowed very few thoughts and did what every flight attendant does once we board the flight, hide our true emotions and bull shit our way through the pain.
What could I hate you even mean anyways, hell what does I’m sorry mean? Don’t you have to give an explanation for hate? You can say I love you and leave it dangling in the air like a hot air balloon. But hate is a word you can’t not give a reason for it. For example I hate you because you left the oven on, because you are always gone, because you have to be right, because you are you. Not giving a reason behind that powerful emotion is as annoying and as frustrating as the sopranos finale’s abrupt ending.
Sorry had become a familiar word in our relationship, more common that I love you as of late. I hear I’m sorry when I discovered she was cheating, Im sorry again when I discovered one of the guys was my best friend, I’m sorry yet again when she hadn’t talked to me in days after she got coked up, stoned and drunk one night. Sorry, for planning a date on our anniversary (not with me), sorry for reregistering on match, sorry for everything even for bieng sorry. What the hell is my problem you ask? Most people would have been gone at I cheated. Allie could sell you beachfront property in Arizona with those blue eyes and the brightest smile I’d, ever seen. And she sold me such property for two months as I believed promises of change, and how everything will be different this time, this time she knows she’s in love. See I had my own addiction, and it was love (bad love too) and Allie was a Walgreens 24 hour pharmacy filled with every drug I needed to get my love fix. I was desperately holding on to allie, and determined to make us work. I told fate and destiny and even God, fuck you ill do it anyways, we will be the exception, the one time it works.
On an overnight in Bloomington Illinois, a place not far from the very town I had escaped a failed marriage just a few winters ago I set out to find a bar with beer, so I could forget where I was, and where I had been. Not the healthiest way to solve my problems, but I didn’t care. As I crossed the street I tripped just as I reached the other side and landed flat in a path of mud. On the way down I heard CRACK! That was the sound of my ankle moaning as it appeared God had got my message.
“Maybe its not that bad” I thought to myself
I tried to stand up and fell down again in absolute pain. Nope its bad. Now what? The Midwest with the exception of my ex-wife is full of life’s sweetest people and they came to my rescue. I remember thinking I wish I were a horse, because they would have just shot me. But no the grand plan for my life was to return to Dallas with a sprained ankle and the woman whom had just swore she hated me three days ago. Well she wasn’t about to start loving me as I would show up during her family weekend, the one she wanted alone.
We land and I expected her to be at the gate to help me carry bags, as I made it to baggage claim I thought maybe she will be here ready to help (silly rabbit only good girlfriends do those things) No she was at home still and reluctantly drove out to DFW to me. You would think since its thanksgiving we will put aside our differences, be civil and of course the cowboys will win (only one of those happened and Raiders fans weren’t happy). Nasty looks were exchanged, comments and whispers were made behind my back. All I wanted was sleep and watch football (pumpkin pie optional). But my blood was beginning to boil under the hostility and soon I would do something I regret, open my mouth (I hear it happens to guys)
“Mom why don’t you sit on the couch, Grant doesn’t need to keep hogging it” allie exclaimed.
“I’m fine,” her mom said
“No hes ruining our weekend!”
“Excuse me?” I said now overheating with anger. “ I didn’t plan this you know and if you could just tell them we live together I could sleep in the bed with you like I always do”
This would be a good time to mention her parents didn’t know we lived together, apperantly a 28 year old multilingual MBA can’t make her own decisions and living with a guy was frowned upon. I let the cat out of the bag over a glass of whiskey on thanksgiving. Oh but if only that was the only bag with a cat in it I had, but it wasn’t, I had another bag and it had a pride of hungry lions in it. What happened next could have resurrected the career of Jerry Springer, but most importantly was beneath my character. I don’t often let peoples actions dictate my behavior today I did.
“You are ruining my life” she yelled. In fairness she may have felt that way, maybe I should have gave her freedom, maybe I should have exercised some self respect and walked away months ago, maybe I should been a better man than to have started a fight in front of her family.
Oh really?, well riddle me this…. who Fucked my best friend, who cheated on me, who acted like a whore, I think a life was ruined but it was you driving the wrecking ball, not me.”
She went into a rage pushed me against the wall and began slamming the door repeatedly on me like she was a cia agent and I had answers she wanted. Her parents whom are as close to the Waltons as a family can get watched their little girl beat the hell out of her boyfriend whom just called her a whore. Next she began to throw my luggage down three flights of stairs. (so I guess I won’t get that award after all). I loaded my car with all the belongings I could find in the ground. Sobbing, depressed and absolutely in pain I drove to Chicago, by the time I crossed the Illinois state line my foot had swelled twice its size. I pulled over next to an old farm and cried. My life had come to a stop, crashed in the middle of an Illinois corn field. I watched it all go down in flames, powerless to help, and no hope of ever going back. I can not un-fuck that pooch as an uncle of mine would have said!
But you soon come to realize that the impact of the crash is not the end, hell its just the beginning. Sifting through the wreckage, I found a cold wet curb in Ohio and I sat on it alone, emotionally exhausted, sure my life was over and my best days behind me. I had spent the last decade wasting my life with women whom would betray me, and worst of all I had only managed to walk a couple of feet from the last time I was at rock bottom before I found it again.
A hand touched my shoulder, “what are you doing here hon?
It was a flight attendant from the Raleigh Crew we had flown once together, before my world crumbled, Oh, just holding up this curb, it’s a lousy job but it keeps me busy,” I continue my stare forward, “ Damn crew left with out me….jerks”
“Oh that’s bologna,” she sighed, “well maybe you will have a better day tomorrow!”
“Yeah, and next I’m going to Disneyland!”
“Grant Ryan, when did you become such a pessimist?”
When Indeed, I got up from the curb and ventured back into the world. I’ll have to figure out how I got there another day.
Passenger Comments